The tale of Lazy Jack Silver

I am not here anymore. I am now here where the delightful Emily has designed a website for me. Is it not beautiful? As Mr. Waffle points out, the experience of outsourcing my technical needs to a low wage country has worked well for me. Should you be thinking of taking steps outside 20six, I encourage you to consult her, she is talented, she is speedy and she is cheap, in a good way, actually, I think I mean inexpensive. And she is prepared to do maintenance for the technically inept, what more could a girl ask for? Other credits go to Technobubble who did lots of code I didn’t understand and let all 20sixers use it. For nothing. Is he not saintly? No more than our Bobble deserves though. And to kind and good Heather who sent me a long email explaining how to set up my own website which convinced me that a) she’s a lot more technically ept than me and b) I needed professional help.

All the same, I am sad to be leaving 20six where I took my first tottering steps in the world of blogging. More especially as I fear it’s going to mean losing many of my readers (please update your bloglines subscriptions now, no, I’m not begging, just saying) each and every one of whom is vital to the continuing survival, nay, flourishing of my ego. But with so many of the old guard gone, it’s just not the same here any more and it’s probably time for me to move to another place – one where I won’t be threatened with upgrades. Yes, I know the 20six upgrade never happened, but the prospect of it shook me. And then I’m back to work in the morning, so it’s all change and it seems like a good time to move.

I note that all of the dramatis personae of LJS (look up it’s that neglected category up there at the top) have now left 20six except for pog (sorry about abandoning you pog but think of the glory of it “the boy stood on the burning deck, when all but he had fled” and all that). I am therefore, delighted to announce that, somewhat fortuitously, to coincide with my departure and almost exactly a year after the last entry, the ever fabulous Heather has crafted a conclusion that will sweep you along with its drama and grandeur and also, rather miraculously, tie up all the loose ends. It will be here shortly.

Thank you and goodnight.

Our hero stood up gingerly.  No bones broken then, he knocked his head painfully against the low roof of the dimly lit hut where he was lying and stepped out the door into what appeared to be an Amazonian rain forest.  Friar Tuck looked up and smiled “you’re awake”. “Where am I?” said LJS curtly. “No need to be tetchy” said Friar Tuck, nettled. He smiled beatifically while surreptitiously scratching a scabrous limb “you’re in the Amazonian rain forest, Heather thought it would be best for you, you’ve been having a nice nap for, oh, about 3 months”. Friar Tuck laughed sinisterly, it was a new speciality and something he had been practising in the long wet afternoons. LJS gasped “But Pog and Bobble….” “They’ve been taken care of” said Friar Tuck and he gave his sinister laugh another outing. “Why have you taken me here, what is Heather’s dastardly plan?” “Now, now”  said Friar Tuck soothingly “is that any way to talk about one who is our  benefactress; sit down and let me explain”.

Heather sat at her mahogany desk leafing through various invitations and begging
letters.  “I don’Â’t care how beautiful the view of Central Park is from their apartment, IÂ’’m not going to listen to the Pitts and their Hollywood stories for a tepid gin ” she thought.  Perhaps she could ask Bobble to pop in and deliver a Christmas card whilst she was over there. Although, she couldnÂ’’t help wondering if this New York trip of
BobbleÂ’s wasn’Â’t some sort of ploy to be working against their plan.  Lazy Jack Silver had been so quiet recently and Heather wondered if this recent Italian trip that Bobble had made may have resulted in a meeting with some of the “family” over there. Perhaps they had provided a more intense drug to keep LJS in this deep sleep.
After all, sheÂ’’d never seen anyone react to Nurofen quite like this before. If she hadnÂ’’t actually seen him slumped in the cellar then sheÂ’’d think he’Â’d just disappeared.

If only she could talk things over with Norah but the only word from her at the moment was “passport” as she moved things around in her panic. Where was Waffle when she  needed her? Just slipping off and leaving a note about needing to spend time with her family wasnÂ’’t very helpful.

The truth of the matter was that Heather couldnÂ’t cope with the thought of spending
Christmas alone in the Schloss with Friar Tuck.  There was something deeply unsettling about the way he sidled into the room and, although perfectly pleasant on the surface, Heather knew what he was capable of. Maybe she would have to return to England and then the Friar would leave the Schloss. He wouldnÂ’’t be stupid enough to follow her
to England, would he?

Oh, sod Christmas, she thought. If it weren’Â’t for the thought of a new diamond to add to the collection then sheÂ’’d just forget about it completely.  There was no way that she would fall into the sentimental claptrap of childhood memories of Christmas.

However, if she did return to England who would look after LJS?  Maureen was nowhere to be seen. Bobble would be in New York. If Norah ever found her passport, then she’Â’d be off.  This wasn’Â’t working out as she had planned.  However, after a rest over Christmas perhaps she would be able to find some new way of tackling the problem. All she needed was someone to look after LJS while she took a few days off.  Was this
too much to ask?

Topical, Bobble.

Patagonia and lightly fictionised people. Land of the living wind. Valparaiso next. And all that…..

Norah looked up to see Waffle and Heather approaching. “We must get on” she said “he’s coming round”.   All five of them tripped down the stairs to the dungeon.  Heather gave Friar Tuck a cold look but made no comment.

“I hope he’s secure” said Heather to Norah, “you should never have left him – you know his nickname used to be Houdini Jack”.

Norah curled her lip and said “I don’t think you need to worry”. She took out the large key from her pocket and slipped it in the steel lock in the thick wooden door. Inside “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” could be heard on the TV. Norah entered the room and gasped.  Heather quickly pushed past her.  Two pairs of handcuffs were dangling from the radiators but there was no sign of LJS.  Bobble let out a tiny sigh and fainted.

Bobble opened her eyes slowly. The hooded figure hovered over her but it seemed less menacing, somehow. It was also offering a cup of tea.

“I put in lots of sugar, for the shock” it said in a helpful voice.

“But, you oozed, you were a budget cutter, the Princess, LJS is coming round, Norah…”

“Now, now” said Friar Tuck kindly, for it was he, “you’ve had a bit of a shock. To be honest, we all have, Mr. Waffle was left in charge and things went a bit funny, but it’s alright now. Also, you might like to know that I’ve put on some hand cream.”

Bobble shook her head in bafflement and drank her tea. Suddenly she heard the sound of someone running up the stairs. It was Norah.

“Honestly, Bobble, you are a useless chump” she sighed in exasperation. Seeing the hooded figure she added “oh, hello Tuckers, I didn’t realise you were there, I thought you and Heather had fallen out”.

Friar Tuck drew himself up to his full height “her people and my people have been in touch and we are hammering out some kind of deal”.

“That’s nice” said Norah absently “by the by, how’s the psoriasis?”

Friar Tuck held out a scaly hand and smiled mournfully. “Well,” said Norah prosaically, “what do you expect on the NHS?”

“Anyway,” said Norah, “I can’t hang about, LJS is coming round and I have to get Waffle and Heather”.

“Oh” said Friar Tuck “so this is what this is all about” and he laughed loud and long and the sound echoed round the Schloss.  In the drawing room Heather pulled her diaphanous wrap more closely round her pretty shoulders and shivered.

***Author’s note: So this is why it was all Pam’s dream in “Dallas”. The scriptwriter went on a short holiday and found one of the main characters had been eliminated.  If you don’t get this reference, it’s not my fault that you are a mere babe in arms and too young to remember when Bobby was shot.

The hooded figure slid past Bobble’Â’s recumbent form and oozed down the stairs. Norah had seen nothing, as she was watching Lazy Jack Silver. He stirred in his sleep and muttered some more. Norah stood watching him, unaware of the sinister figure looming behind her. A razor-sharp blade glittered in the candle-light.

Suddenly Lazy Jack Silver sat bolt upright, his eyes fixed on the apparition. Norah started, as the blade slashed through empty air where she had been a split-second before. She stared in horror – a Budget Cutter ! The scourge of healthcare everywhere ! She grabbed a chair and threw it at the figure, but the chair went straight through it as if through a cloud. The Budget Cutter merely smiled ghoulishly as it waved its blade. Norah and Lazy Jack Silver both backed away from it, but they were being pushed into a corner and no escape seemed possible.

Suddenly a voice was heard “Boccle ? Doggy ?” The Princess stood at the top of the stairs, holding her mother’s hand. The Budget Cutter froze, and dropped its knife. “Boccle?” The Budget Cutter shuddered and began to disintegrate into cloudy wisps. Within a few seconds all that was left was the knife and a nasty smell of mould.

“Yes, dear, IÂ’’ll get you a bottle” said Waffle. “Merci” said Princess.