My brother has a friend who is an actuary, I introduced him to my daughter thus, “This is your uncle’s friend, do you know what he does for a living? He works out when people will die.” He began to protest mildly but herself turned to him and said with great sangfroid, “You work in insurance then, do you?”
Princess
Science and Religion
Daniel: There’s no gravity on the moon.
Me: Actually there is, it’s just less.
Herself: Why is that?
Me: Well objects kind of attract stuff to them and the larger the object the harder it attracts – the moon is much smaller than the earth so gravity is less. At least, I think that’s how it works.
Herself: Are we lighter on the moon?
Me: Um, I think this is about the difference between mass and weight. Let me think, you have the same mass everywhere but your weight is different because of gravity.
Daniel: Is there mass on the moon?
Me: Yes, that’s it, mass is the same everywhere.
Daniel: Do they have churches on the moon?
Rite of Passage
Following a concerted campaign, the Princess has had her ears pierced. I remember getting my own ears pierced at 12 and my father commenting disapprovingly on bodily mutilation and comparing it to the neck rings African women sometimes have which I think was a little harsh.
Herself is, in any event, very pleased.
The ear piercing has led to two unexpected follow-up requests:
1. From her – when can I have my tongue pierced?
2. From Daniel – when can I have my ears pierced?
Very difficult, from a feminist perspective to justify a negative response to question 2; I was reduced to saying “well, we’ll see how you feel about it when you’re 10” and hoping for the best.
Harassed Parent
When I came home from work one day in late June, the childminder said to me : “Your daughter wanted to know the meaning of the word ‘amant’ but I felt it was best if you explained when you got home.” He then left; she was very anxious for an explanation. I was distracted, however, from my difficult task by the sight of a number of small downy feathers floating around the utility room. No sign of the cat either, ominous.
I explained the word “amant” to the Princess asking how this had come up [apparently, the childminder had been scraping old newspaper from the floor – don’t ask – and come across a cutting on the death of Diana and Dodi – thank you British royal family for indirectly introducing my child to the concepts of infidelity and the amant] and was interrupted by a piercing squeal. I ran and added my own piercing squeal as the cat was sitting on the utility room floor tucking in with great gusto to a meal of a small bird. To her intense chagrin [and indeed mine but Mr. Waffle was not yet home so I saw my duty clear] I chased her off it and picked up the bloody corpse in a plastic bag which I swept into the dustpan and then threw in the bin. Moments later I saw that one of the children had put the dustpan and brush on the work surface in the kitchen. It was all very trying. Can I tell you how glad I am that the summer holidays are finally upon us?
End of Term
School ended on June 30. I am taking parental leave this summer, so I stopped work also. It has been fantastic to just hang about the house. The last couple of months have been horribly busy. The last week of school/work nearly sent us to an early grave. Every time we thought everything was done, we needed to buy another present for some worthy person associated with the school or work or something else. I had a frantic time at work trying to finish everything. Mr. Waffle kept the show on the road.
During the last week we cycled into school with each of the children in turn. This was an entirely artificial exercise as the parent who was not cycling drove in with the other two and coats and bags and then stuffed the cycling child’s bike in the car to take it home again. However, it was gratifying that they were all able to do it with greater or lesser degrees of enthusiasm. I have put it to them that we might try this greenway thing during the summer and there was mild enthusiasm from two of them. Michael, however, said, “Um, no thanks.” He is very stubborn so I am re-thinking our cycling expedition. I will keep you posted; your summer entertainment is now provided for.
The children all got their school reports. Nothing unexpected really – all good stuff bringing joy to their mother’s middle years [Mr. Waffle is above these things]. The boys’ teacher who has just finished her second year with this class had 6 lines in the report to give a written personal comment on each of the boys and she described both with complete accuracy. I wish the boys could have her next year; she was an absolutely brilliant teacher. I am hoping against hope that the Princess might get her.
As I take parental leave in the summer, I don’t get paid. Also, I don’t need a childminder because I am not at work and can’t afford one. So every year, we hire someone in September and have to let him/her go in June. In recent years, particularly, we have had great people. I am so sorry to see this year’s man go. He was terrific. We gave him an excellent reference and he has got a job in a creche. Lucky creche. I suppose he could hardly starve over the summer waiting for me to re-employ him in September but he seemed a bit of a free spirit and I thought he might go off hitch-hiking in Asia or something and be ready for me again in September but it was not to be. Oh woe. The children are not pleased.
Fast Learner
Me: If Daddy isn’t here in five minutes, yes you can eat it.
Her: How long is five minutes?
Me: When it’s twenty to.
Her: Let me see your watch. It’s not even twenty-five to.
Me: It is.
Her: And I’ve been waiting 2 minutes already.
Me: You haven’t.
Her: I have, I should only have to wait until 22 minutes to.
Me: Would you stop arguing, please?
Her: I’m not arguing, I’m debating.
