These are the instructions we received from our neighbours on feeding their cats while they are away getting married. I like cats, but is this a little excessive?
There are two cats, T & B. T is the large tabby (ex-male). B is the smaller black-and-white one (ex-female), with a necklace round her neck saying “B”. T is on a diet & is perpetually hungry. Inside the bag is a measuring glass, with “T” marked on it & a maximum level. The maximum level is for one day. For each meal, two rows of biscuits in the bottom of the glass are enough. (T doesn’t think so, but we know it). T will always eat all of his food & then try and eat B’s food as well, when she has finished eating. Therefore, while B is eating, you have to stay in the kitchen & watch her. When she has finished
(& she never eats everything in the bowl) put the bowl on top of the cupboard out of reach of T. If T manages to eat some of B’s food despite your precautions, deduct the amount he ate from his next meal.
B:
Inside the bag is a measuring glass, with “B” marked on it & a
maximum level. The maximum level is for B for one day. Since B never eats very much at one time, you might as well give her the maximum amount in her bowl all at once. When she has stopped eating, put the bowl out of reach. When she comes back in the kitchen asking for food, put the bowl down for her again, making sure T doesn’t get any. No need to throw away the biscuits she doesn’t eat. Just add more biscuits. She will eat everything eventually. In the same cupboard where the food is, there is a box of vitamin pills &
little bags of anti-hairball treats. You can give each cat one of each of these each day, if you want to.
Catcare
They both like being stroked & played with. There are brushes and toys for them in the top second drawer from the right in the big chest of drawers in the hall.
Enjoy.
(Homepage)
on 14 June 2005 at 21:45
Clearly, you have never fed my cats. Doing so requires a 4 hour training course and memorization of a 216 page manual.
on 14 June 2005 at 22:27
I can’t help but compare them to your instructions for looking after the Princess for 24 hours….. 
on 14 June 2005 at 22:27
Whatever happened to bring them in, open a tin of KiteKat and a kick them out the door when done?
Those aren’t cats – they’re postmodern ersatz of some kind….
on 14 June 2005 at 22:45
Coated in mud and baked in a hot oven they make a nutricious snack
on 14 June 2005 at 22:46
The instructions sound like the “hard sums” we had to do in school….if T eats twice as fast as B and you use B’s measuring glass to fill one bowl for both to eat from, how long will it take for T to eat his/its recommended daily intake?
on 15 June 2005 at 10:46
That T must be a right porker if he can’t get on top of a cupboard …..
on 15 June 2005 at 21:54
Norah, Beth, you are obviously true cat lovers.
Kate, yes.
Lauren, that’s quite funny actually.
JD, well, yeah, that’s what I think…
BHM, precisely.
Ladyjane – excellent and very true.
Pog, T is one of the biggest cats I’ve ever seen. He’s the size of a small elephant with extra jowls.
on 17 June 2005 at 18:24
Jesus. We’re big cat people (that’s not as exciting as it sounds) – but all we do is slap some Whiskas in a bowl and let him at it. Tell those guys to stops arsing about with their instructions and boot T out for some exercise.
Some people…
on 17 June 2005 at 21:12
Yes, well, he’s English and I think that the English are kind of sentimental about their cats.
