The parent of a colleague died and I sent him a mass card. I wrote a few lines hoping that my colleague was bearing up and that his father was “well before he died.” Really? Beautifully put. Go me. What, was I hoping that the gentleman had been hale and hearty and run over by a car? I despair.
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Don’t kick yourself. The bereaved generally are pleased to get any kind of genuinely personal remarks and that last while before death can be very meaningful in a way that is hard for them to explain.
I could fault our culture for many many things but I think in dealing with death we do ok.
(I read a lot of crime novels and am always baffled by the regular occurrence of English or US characters who so frequently have never seen a dead body. No, they are not excluding peaceful deaths. Mind you Stephanie Plum has seen plenty of laid-out bodies in the burg where viewings are de rigeur.)
Writing condolences tends to induce brain freeze in me. Never quite know what to say, especially when I didn’t know the deceased, only the family. I’m hoping that the ‘thought that counts’ part goes a long way
I’ve never seen a dead body – it’s just not something we do unless you’re the actual next of kin or there at the death. Don’t know why, I’m sure it would be healthier if we did.
Certainly, as a foreigner in Ireland, one gets the impression the Irish are constantly rushing off to elaborate funerals, often of quite remote acquaintances. The English way of funerals, of course, is to have an awkward little service at the crematorium attended by six people and lasting 15 minutes. The Irish way certainly seems more respectful and more supportive, if harder work.
I have seen a dead body, but by accident in a church in Florence. My mother and I went in to look at the church and were disconcerted to find an open coffin. Otherwise, no, never – not even my grandmother. In England coffins are closed. However – and I don’t know if this is a factor in Ireland – I read in a New Zealand magazine about how the practice there of having bodies on view was leading to the routine use of embalming fluids that were horribly bad for the environment.
I think it was okay to say that. The sentiment is right; it was nice of you to write a note to him.
A friend of mine’s father, C, had a work colleague whose father died (if you follow me). Despite not knowing him particularly well, C got the details of the funeral and dutifully went along, only to find to his horror that there were only about 10 people there and they were all immediate family. C is Irish; the colleague is English.
I think, yes, Irish and English people have fundamentally different approaches to death and funerals. I am always buying mass cards and going to the funerals of people I have never met in life (though their relatives are known to me – I don’t just randomly turn up). I’ve seen loads of dead bodies (all, thankfully, old people who had lived full lives) – I don’t know whether they are embalmed though but I really don’t think so. The corpses I’ve seen all looked pretty sick and I understand that embalming removes that peaky look that I associate with dead people. Though a quick google shows me that there is a professional embalmers’ association of Ireland. We live and learn.